During the early 2000s, I had embarked on my own path of self-discovery after a period of intense burnout. At the time, I often watched The Oprah Winfrey Show, especially the episodes featuring guests from the world of personal development and psychology. It was through one of those episodes that I was introduced to the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. That book became a meaningful guide during those years, helping me figure out how to navigate the world more effectively as a young adult.
The Four Agreements
The four agreements in the book are said to be based on ancient Toltec wisdom, according to Don Miguel Ruiz. Whether that’s really the case, I don’t know, but the book is an easy read and makes some interesting life principles very accessible. In the book he describes four insights that help you break free from what he calls the dream you live in.
The dream
Don Miguel Ruiz states that we all live in our own dream. This dream is conditioned in us from an early age by society, family, and culture. We learn what is right and wrong according to the norms of the system in which we live. We then build an image of the world based on this framework, supplemented by our personal experiences. That image of the world then becomes our reality.
Besides our personal dream, we also live in a collective dream that is shared by a society, a group, or even an organization or company.
The dream isn’t real
It’s important to realize that the dream we live in is just a story about reality, it is not reality itself. Just think about how differently people experience things, and how widely their beliefs about the world can vary. Not to mention the many times in your life you’ve already discovered you were wrong about something and had to adjust your beliefs.
The four agreements help you gain perspective on your dream , so that you can learn, grow, and expand your awareness as a human being. And if you succeed in this, you also understand why our life is described as a dream. The more you know, the more you realize how little you truly know!
Don’t Take Anything Personally
One of the four agreements I want to focus on here is:
“Don’t take anything personally.”
This insight teaches us that the actions and words of others have nothing to do with us, but everything to do with themselves. It comes entirely from their dream.
The essence of this insight is:
Everyone has a unique worldview: Each person lives in their own reality, shaped by personal experiences, beliefs, and filters.
What others say or do is a projection of their reality: It’s not actually about you or your life at all. The same goes the other way; what you project onto others comes from your reality, not theirs.
What’s right and what’s wrong?
To illustrate this, let me share an example from my early days working at a British primary school.
One of our weekly activities was group reading with a small group of children. Each child would take turns reading a passage from the book we were working through. These were Year 3 students, so about 7 or 8 years old, and my group was a lively bunch of boys with energy to spare.
The first session wasn’t very successful. I spent most of the time playing police officer, trying to get them to sit still and behave, so not much reading got done. The second time around, I tried a different approach. I told them they could sit however they liked, as long as they read.
One boy laid down, another sat on the floor, one wanted to stand and pace while reading, another sat next to me, and the fifth hung upside down on the couch. And guess what? It worked! From then on they read during each session we were together.
The reactions I got from colleagues were somewhat mixed. In the British school system, ‘proper behaviour’ is one of the core values, which includes sitting properly during schoolwork. I remember feedback about the importance of the boys learning to sit properly during schoolwork, but I also received compliments from someone else for my flexibility and chosen approach.
This example shows how we all live in different dreams. Whether I had done right or wrong largely depended on the views of the person in question. Everyone projected their own reality onto the situation.
Not taking things personally – in practice
Let’s explore how you can apply the principle of “Don’t take anything personally” in everyday life:
Let other people’s behaviour and opinions just be.
Their behaviour or opinion towards you is actually about them and the world they live in. It’s not about you. This insight frees you from unnecessary emotional pain. When you no longer fear what others think of you, you can live your life much more freely and with ease.Less conflict.
The urge to become defensive fades very quickly with this mindset. Once you realize it’s not about you, you can become much more curious about what’s really going on with the other person or what they have to say.You stay truer to yourself.
You begin making choices that truly suit you, without being overly influenced by others. Advice from others stems from their worldview, which might very well not align with how you want to live, or your values.Don’t take your own thoughts personally either.
If you talk negatively to yourself, realize that this is not “the truth,” but merely a thought. Don’t take it personally, just as you wouldn’t with others.You are only responsible for your own emotions.
If something someone says or does triggers you emotionally, those feelings come from your own interpretation and personal history. They reflect your inner world, your dream, back to you and they show you where healing might still be needed. You cannot change another person, but fortunately, you can change yourself. And that is precisely the invitation that life offers you in those moments.
Stay open to feedback
It’s important to remember that “not taking things personally” doesn’t mean you stop listening to others. It’s about being open to feedback without tying it to your sense of self-worth. Our own worldview is by definition limited, and we enrich ourselves by adding the valuable knowledge, experience, and insights others offer us.
Try it yourself
I hope this insight is helpful for you and can help you navigate the emotions that arise when dealing with how others think of you. My suggestion to you is to carry this insight with you for a week.
Set a daily intention: Today, I won’t take anything personally. Repeat the intention throughout your day.
What happens when you consciously choose not to take things personally? Be curious. Notice how it changes your interactions with others, and even your relationship with your own thoughts, and discover the freedom this insight can give you.
Coaching
If you’re struggling with your emotions, you’re always welcome to explore whether coaching or therapy could support you.
Feel free to reach out and book a free Insight Session.
🌿 Richard